Holidays are my favorite. I love a reason to get together, eat good food, and fellowship as friends and family. But the Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays can also be uncomfortable. They bring up all too recent memories of a dark season that hasn’t yet turned completely to light. And they bring family members who, in all their excitement to love and laugh, forget that poking fun can also poke right in the wounds that they don’t realize we have.
Several years ago, right before our wedding day, I was talking with a good friend about how so many people ask “how’s the wedding planning going?” rather than “how are you preparing for this lifelong commitment you are about to make?” She laughed, and told me to get used to it because as soon as we were married, only the question would change. And, would you believe that at our wedding reception I got asked when we were going to have babies?
Holidays seem to be the best time for family to bring up that question again…and again…and again. They do it with no ill-intention. But if only they knew how much I struggle personally to be content in this baby-less season. It is hard to be joyful when my heart aches to be a mom. I am jealous of other mommies staying home, loving on their babies. Teaching them, influencing them, training them. Every part of me wants to say I trust God’s provision and his goodness. But I have a hard time being patient, and an even harder time trusting that God will provide us with biological children and the means for me to stay home and train them up in the way they should go. Its a real fear that casts anxious thoughts on my heart and mind.
Can I be honest with you, friends? When I am so kindly reminded that this is not my time and season to be full-time mom, it hurts. It is so hard to wait on a season that my heart so desperately wants. But waiting is trusting. Waiting is trusting God to lead us to the right path because “all the ways of God are steadfast love and faithfulness” (Psalm 25:10).
God gave us access to him through our faith. We can approach him boldly, and with confidence (Ephesians 3:12). So in this season, not only am I praying for contentedness and peace in our jobs and in our personal struggles, but also for the future, that God would direct us to a place of parenthood. That God would lead me to the place my heart longs to be, in his time. And that he would continue to do abundantly more, according to his will, than I could have imagined.
Matthew 21:21-23 says “And Jesus answered them, “Truly, I say to you, if you have faith and do not doubt, you will not only do what has been done to the fig tree, but even if you say to this mountain, ‘Be taken up and thrown into the sea,’ it will happen. And whatever you ask in prayer, you will receive, if you have faith.” Above all, I am praying for faith that can move mountains. Not in faith in our circumstances, our wants, or our needs. But in Christ, and in Christ alone.
In Ecclesiastes 3:1 we are reminded that “For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven.” Right now, my season is supporter. Although I feel called to be a full time momma and homemaker and God has put it on my heart to pursue that someday, my husband feels called to pursue his masters of divinity and I am 100% on board to support him in that. Right now, that means our season is full time jobs, full time seminary, and trying to find time to be the married couple we are. Between the two of us, we teach 24 private lessons a week in addition to our full time jobs where we each see over 200 kiddos every day. We just purchased our first home and are trying to build up some equity and make smart financial decisions. And those are the earthly things, which take second place to God’s calling in our personal lives and marriage. This marriage isn’t just two, it’s three.
So, why don’t we have babies yet? Because my husband and I don’t feel God has called us into the season of parenthood yet. When will he? I don’t know. That’s not for me (or you) to know. I hope it’s sooner rather than later, but more than that I hope God continues to work in my heart to bring true contentedness in whatever season I find myself in. I hope my faith gets stronger and my trust in God becomes bigger than my fears.